Talk:Grand Voyage- Log 11/@comment-4080028-20150403014944

OK, so I have a few things to say about this. Three things in a humorous context, and one is very serious in a critique sort of way.


 * Firstly, the crime scene. I CALLED IT! I F****** CALLED IT! He was wearing a glove! I assumed it just milliseconds before it was explained in-story! It's official, I'm a doctor. :) Give me my graduate now.


 * Secondly, exploring a Marine base, when you're clearly a pirate with a bounty on your head. ... Dear Lord in Heaven, Knave pulled a freaking Chris on us. XD (Yeah, I know, spoiler alert. <_< Sorry, but I assumed it was public knowledge anyway.) Honestly... Yes Knave and Chris, you should go sight-seeing in the enemy's stronghold. "BECAUSE WHY NOT?! WE'RE JUST PIRATES AND THEY'RE JUST MARINES! I'M SURE THEY'LL BE NICE HOSTS AND INVITE US IN, AND NOT ARREST US! :D" ... ... ...These two dolts... I swear, I'm wondering if they were made for each other. Like, if one was still male and the other was female, I bet they'd make a wonderfully stupid couple. Good luck Knave, don't go and get yourself and your first mate thrown into jail. XD


 * Thirdly... Gunther... Oh so many wrong things with Gunther... Why yes, diligent gatekeeper, no matter how bored and tired you are, you should always let two strange youths take a tour in your strategically placed base. Civilian, criminal, whatever. Not like you're guarding anything. You may as well let the Pirate King himself become the base commander while you're at it. Just... Gunther... Shake the s*** out of your head please. lol You're the reason there are so many pirates in the world now. Why there's so much crime, pillaging, burning and raping. But don't get me wrong, it's not all bad. We have Roger to thank for the adventuring young sailors who call themselves pirates, who are doing nicer things like following their dreams and making friends. :D ...Like Knave. WHO'S RUNNING LOOSE IN YOUR MOTHER******* BASE!!!

/Joking

OK, time for serious critique time. ... Man, where to begin? As I went on, it's become increasingly clear to me that no matter how generous or thoughtful I may be, I just can't find myself enjoying this arc as it is right now. I just thought it was going through a slow chapter or two. But ehhh... it's... just kind of dragging on with a slow, monotonous pace. Not much going on except Marine intrigue. On top of that, the Marines are so serious (sans the wacky Sid. ... Hehe, "whack") that it feels very offputting to me to see such seriousness in a One Piece setting. Though granted, it then occured to me that this was more or less what East Blue was like for me too, before I was even a fan to begin with. It was just a slow, steady buildup to the fun stuff yet to come in the Grand Line, and for the most part, aside from those crazy Straw Hats, other characters tended to be a bit on the serious side (with some humor still thrown in. This is Oda we're talking about here.) So I'll give this arc that much. South Blue may just be the "let's get the reader used to Grand Voyage" saga, as East Blue was to One Piece. Looking forward to the genuine One Piece craziness in the next saga, if this is indeed the case.

One other thing that does put me off and I can't fully justify is the details in the writing. This isn't a real detraction from the story, so it doesn't hold any important merit at all. This is just me nitpicking and going "eh well, this isn't how I'd do things. :I " But anyway, I feel certain details seem almost unnecessarily added. Like the last chapter's explanation of Morris carrying paperwork including complaints about Coco. Or in this chapter, with the narration explaining the bored and tired Gunther and so on. Honestly, this just turned me off. It made me feel like I'm reading an American novel about pirates and law enforcement instead of a Japanese shounen manga inspired tale of adventure, action, and what else is in store. And quite honestly, I have absolutely no care for reading a novel. As is obvious by now, I prefer manga and anime, and I keep a healthy distance from non-fiction, non-Japanese inspired fictional novels, and so on. So you can probably imagine how, hm... how to put this nicely? ... "Disinterested" I suppose. How disinterested I was to see all this "and this is what's going on, and this is what they're feeling, and this is what's happening that will have no serious impact on the story unless it's clever foreshadowing," etc. Nogt to be mean or rude. This is probably me just mixing passion with cold hard critique. But... well, I feel things would be better if they were on a need to know basis. I like to think I do that with my writing, and I hope I do, or else I'm a damned hypocrite who should be hung by his lying tongue. But what I mean is, I'm used to manga and anime format, and so when trying to translate it into or from text-only writing, some things will jump out at me as unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory.

From my own experiences with One Dream thus far, I like to think I've kept things on a need to know basis. Like "this is the character's expression. This is an important aspect that's pulling the story along. This is the character's action and reaction." It feels very bastardized when I write it abruptly like that, but the gist of the statement remains. I focus on what's important and leave the details to the imagination. As for my infamous purple prose (as I'm proving here and now,) well, that's because I have an irrational desire to get my point across loud and clear. To ensure there is no miscommunication and my readers get the point with no mistakes made. That's probably why some things may look, er, "novelized" at times. As for other times they appear, well... I'd like to chalk it up to indoctrination to novel writing, but if I'm guilty of the same thing I criticized, then get that noose and pull out my tongue.

Finally, as a reader, I just enjoy the "need to know" format, as again, I'm used to seeing that in shounen manga and anime. All we see is what's important to the story, as they're a visual form of art and storytelling. So it leaves little to the imagination, and I'm perfectly cool with that. I understand pure text and no pictures requires to leave more to the imagination, but... I just can't get comfortable with that idea. So no thank you. Personally, I just want to see "Morris brings paperwork" and "we have ourselves a gatekeeper (name optional... perhaps.)" If extra information must be presented, I'd prefer it being done through a character's actions, thoughts or speech. Like:

Falstaff: Is that the paperwork for me to handle, Morris?

Morris: Yessir, Captain Cheney.

Falstaff: Hmm... [looks at the top of the paper pile] Coco again, I see. [sighs] I wish he'd stop creating more complaints for me to settle.

Morris: He is quite a handle, huh?

Falstaff (appearing deep in thought or something): Hmm...

Morris: Captain?

Falstaff: Indeed.

Eh, not my best work, but you see what I mean. I just hope it wasn't too demoralizing for you. The point is to share my thoughts and give some constructive criticism from a totally different viewpoint. Don't need to agree with me and you don't need to disagree with me. Come to your own conclusion and choose what you think is best. After all, as artists, we must focus on what's best for our stories. Not on what people think about us.

But I digress.

I want to end this by stating I understand what you mean by "fluff" now. To be blunt, I'm finding myself getting increasingly distracted more and more as I go through this arc. Like, it's hard for me to stay invested in the story and its characters, and I tend to just stare off into space or glance at the TV to see what's on. Then I go "oh, yeah. I should finish this chapter and move on." No offense, it's just as I pointed out, this arc isn't exactly turning out to be fun for me. I'm gonna totally take your word here and agree that the beginning of the arc was fun and awesome (BECAUSE PIRATE BASEBALL!!! :D ) But the middle... meh. <_<

Here's hoping the end's as good as you say it is. And onward to... um... More intrigue, I suppose? ^_^;