Talk:Trials of the World, Chapter 1/@comment-4295416-20150313162048

Oh, hey! Thanks for working on the chapter, nice work.

Since I am done reading it, here's a bit of a review. Hopefully it helps/supports you.

To start of, the setting was kinda interesting... Xei in West Blue. The market district is where most of the chapter takes place, apparently. Your description of it was intriguing, but we didn't really see much of it in the entire chapter or of its inhabitants and stuff (which is fine). Though the setting changed rather quickly, I felt we were hoping from a place to the next and then back in a very short amount of time.

Writing wise, it was nice. I wanna point out that in the script format, you usually don't put quotation marks for what the character is saying. For example, it's be: [Kyoto: Oh, I see *yawns*] Rather than [Kyoto: "Oh, I see" *yawns]. Putting quotation marks in there is just repetitive. Other than that, there were a few typos in there and some awkwardly structured sentences, so I recommend a good proof read. I did like your descriptions though and the narration helped to piece the entire chapter together.

Dialogue... I like that it started off on a funny note. But the problem with it is that it's too rushed. Really, things were just jumping from one place to another that I had to re-read some parts just to make sure I got that right. The entire chapter was rushed. Things were moving and changing too quickly, the pace at which characters were popping up was almost random. Explanations about Kyoto's background were really compressed, the whole story of the kids was also pretty rushed, with Kyoto just explaning his plans and leaving them. And that I think was the problem here, the chapter was really rushed and didn't even show that much. Take your time with the events and introductions, no need to rush to get to the good stuff or to have a faster pace, even if you wanna write short chapters.

The characters were interesting. Kyoto... even though his motives are not very clear nor his past, managed to be a fairly likeable dude that I wouldn't mind seeing more of. The kids were present... I assume they are there for foreshadowing purposes or to convey Kyoto's kindness and bond with people like them in Xei. The mysterious woman was obviously the most interesting of all, and she ended up the chapter on a cool note. Though the stars of the chapter were the merchants =D

Well, I have to applaud you for th music idea. I have been thinking about doing something like that myself to sync up the music with the reading experience. Still, the usage of the idea is still pretty novel (telling the reader when to play and stop the music) But I also have my problems with that. Firstly, does it need to be an outside link? You can put the music in the page where people can just play it straight away, which sounds much more convinient than going to an external link. Secondly, it was rather distracting. Really, the reader's don't need to keep on shuffling through the music tracks and just stay focused on the story they are reading. Thirdly, you don't NEED music to play throughout the ENTIRE chapter. I understand what you are going for, but even in anime and videogames, music is not present throughout the entire thing... SO don't feel pressed to keep the music going as it's still not the main attraction here, and the way that you are using it can be distracting. Don't pay more attention to the music than the chapter! Aside from all of that, the music picks themselves were good. I felt that they went well wiith the scenes and they were just some good music all around.

Overall, I think this has a lot of potential. I was interested in the settings and characters and the way you're gonna be using music in these chapters. I don't think that this first chapter delivered a lot, however. Seeing how it was supposed to be set up, but everything was just brushed over quickly. I think this can shine much more with improvements. So yeah, I really encourage you to keep going and improve on what you have here, and I appreciate the hard work I saw in this chapter. Till next time~