Talk:Bloodline, Chapter 1: The Unsceen Traitor/@comment-4072803-20170112010609

Well, it's finally time for a (probably brief) revival!

~Zeon's Review Pirates!~

I never thought the day would come when I'd critique a story based on its grammar, but surprises are everywhere. While I'll discuss the content after this, the formatting here is in need of some work. Thankfully, it's mostly small stuff ("dune" instead of "done", etc) and some character confusion ("Scott as he came to a halt a few feet away from Scott"). The prose itself was pretty good and decently impressive, but spacing and the use of commas could be a bit more liberal. Also, there was a lack of punctuation at the end of people speaking, with it sometimes being moved to the end of the sentence. It makes the story lose some of the impact it could've had otherwise, especially when it comes to specific moments. Fixing that up would make it a much more enjoyable read.

All in all, the story was a decently entertaining one. There was a lack of explanation regarding what exactly was going on both in the in-series timeline and in the wiki's in general, but its not the sort of thing that sinks a story. The setup was good as well, and the choice of words gives off the impression that the reader is in for much bigger things; always a good thing if they are delivered.

Regarding the  *ahem* twist at the end, though, while it wasn't a bad one, it felt a bit... out of nowhere. Nothing suggests it beforehand and the snippets we get into the perpatrator's head don't remotely lead us to the conclusion that its coming or that he has the potential for such a thing. It makes for a good surprise, sure, but if we're privy to some extent what the character in question is thinking, then it can come off as intentionally misleading in a bad way. A bit more foreshadowing and character development (to the point where a discerning reader can potentially predict it; granted, I am possibly not one of them) would go a long way to making the twist have depth to it.

Aside from that, though, it was a fun read. I might not necessarily return to read this again, but I sure as hell would read what comes after, since my interest has in some ways been piqued.

Final Rating: 0.6/1 Piece