Talk:Walk the Dragon/@comment-24676431-20141110040354

Walk the Dragon... whatever the title's supposed to mean I'll ask the author later. This story is pretty good, aside from a handful of grammatical errors/improvements throughout the story. Every now and then there was a missing exclamation point or an opportunity to put it's instead of it is to make dialogue sound more natural or something like that. It could've helped to have had the story read over to check for those but that doesn't make this a bad story. If anything I like this story. The opening made me draw parallels to the actual contest (the procrastination, the protagonist being named after the author, some of the other minor characters possibly referencing other users) and I find it interesting to consider that attempting to write a story for a contest literally killed the author in the end. The characters were interesting explained enough for you to know what archetypes they would fall into, though seeing a little more of Cooper before his departure would've been nice so we could've gotten an idea of What kind of person just died, not just who they were. Some kind of visual descriptions for the Seven Flags would've been nice too but oh well. The story also used violence/death in a way that was relevant to the story, as opposed to death for the sake of death. The ending was also a very nice "bad guy wins" ending, and I actually did feel somewhat upset when Noodle and Yoza were lost. Alright, now for the themes. Families was used well, and represented with Yoza Noodle and Cooper's relation to each other. It even went far enough for Yoza to go hysteric at Cooper's death and for Noodle to call her mother at one or two points. A loss so great was there as well, also in the form of Yoza Noodle and Cooper. Cooper's loss greatly affected the two of them, and Yoza's loss in the last moments of Noodles life must've done wonders to his psyche. Immortality was shown in a literal sense, with Yoza's Lamia fruit that Saint Hardon I mean Harkon wanted for himself in a nice villainous sense. Military machine struggled a little, compared to the other three. The only thing I could come up with for this one was the Pacfista, a literal Military Machine. Perhaps the fourth attempted theme could've been left out? Anyway, this was a good story. It wasn't that hard to read, there was a nice amount of detail, a good plot line, and a nice ending. The story had a handful of grammatical problems that can be fixed with a proofreading or two and a few other nitpicky problems (like Cooper's character, or lack of compared to everyone else). On a numerical score, let's go with.... 9/10. Sounds about right.

Regards, the Secret Critique Jack Swagger