User blog comment:FoolishImmoralFOOL/Short Story Contest 2014: RESULTS ARE OUT!/@comment-24676431-20141011174357

A nice little story about a young girl with a handful of problems, character wise and story wise.

The story itself was nice, for what was there. The whole backstory chapter with Tallis' parents served well as backstory. I had a few problems with it however. For one, this kind of early backstory is traditionally (or at least my personal feeling) what molds a character and what inspires them. It might've done better to make this bit about Galt and his wife (who don't even appear after the 3rd chapter) much shorter, to the point of it not being a chapter but just a shorter prologue that lead into Tallis' interaction with Byert. Secondly, the last two lines of dialogue in the first chapter were... off-putting. They just didn't fit. The entire second half of the chapter was giving a pariah family vibe where all of them were rushed out of town. It was basically immersion breaking for the characters to yell out crude/modern dialogue as the chapter ends, possibly for a humorous effect or for some other reason.

Now onto the second chapter. It started out interesting, giving a little bit of a family drama to start off. However the family drama in question would've fit better if Tallis was older (once again, my personal feeling) but it still worked. The argument between Galt and his wife was nice for showing Galt's unintentional hypocrisy. And then there's Byert. Byert seems like an interesting old mentor character that sadly isn't used much. The moment shown between the two at the end of this chapter is cute, and shows off an introduction between Tallis and the the inspiration of  her dream in life.

And now chapter three. This might as well be where the main plot starts, since the first two chapters are technically unrelated to this chapter and the next (technically as in if this plot was the pilot to an anime/manga, it would work anyway). The little bit with the Sensei was entertaining, along with the introduction of Morsi. I think the Sensei character would've benefitted with at least a sentence of description, just so the reader has a visual of them in their head. The first interaction between Tallis and Morsi was nice. There was a line or two that could've been reworded but it still worked to show how the two became close. And then Byert comes back, if only briefly. The small flashback at the end of this chapter provides some insight of Byert himself and Tallis' dream in life. Getting onto the home stretch with the fourth chapter. Tallis and Morsi's little gem-selling job seems a little too lucrative just for them gathering gems. If the people they're dealing with are supposedly shady and good businessmen (they must be, if they got the idea to employ children), they wouldn't give two children millions of dollars. It would make much more sense if they were given a fraction of that money, possibly just 84 dollars as opposed to 84 million. The little fight between them is cute, and reminds me that they're still children despite being millionaires. It's also suddenly revealed that they plan on leaving, something which wasn't mentioned/made clear when they made their deal in the last chapter. Now for one of my biggest problems with this chapter.

Who The Hell is Kelpina.

This character is suddenly included, with no backstory or formal introduction (when compared to other important characters). I must admit the "I was his only pupil" joke was humorous, but that doesn't excuse the fact that a supposedly important character who presumably knows both Tallis and Morsi was just dropped into the story. The other kids from the dojo have a similar problem, but not as drastic. It was never shown or implied until now that Tallis and Morsi had any connections to the other two dozen students, and to have then suddenly included is odd as well. Anyway, moving onto the gang. The gang leader works as a generally intimidating and antagonistic figure, despite only being introduced now. However the fight scene (for lack of a better name) could've been executed better. The dialogue during it just seemed a little awkward, along with the sudden realization that Tallis can actually inflict physical harm to a person. Afterwards, when the duo are tied up it seems like the gang is either physically blind or unspokenly ignorant to them. The two of them not only verbally formulate a plan to escape (supposedly still within earshot of them) but even succeed in doing so without being noticed in the midst of cutting themselves free (supposedly still physically in front of the gang). This little problem could've been resolved with it being stated the the gang had sat down at a table on the other side of the room to play cards or something that would force them to pay less attention to the duo. It just seems unbelievable that they were able to do all that while still physically in front of the gang. After this, a little bit with Tallis losing all her stuff (one of the themes?) and a sudden twist that I actually didn't expect (definitely one of the themes). The twist itself was interesting, but it still could've been executed better. Why did the goons pay Morsi? If he's basically a government agent, shouldn't he be paying them? Also another twist comes in when it's revealed that Morsi as well is capable of being offensive, and supposedly mortally wounds the gang. After this bit there's one last chunk of dialogue between the two former friends, a little explanation, an ultimatum, and then Tallis flees. Finally, the last chapter (or basically the epilogue). This one is short, bringing back Byert (hurrah for Byert) again and also Galt for a moment. The story wraps up nicely here, showing Tallis fleeing from Morsi with Byert and going somewhere better. A nice short ending for a nice short story, with actually not much to nitpick at. So, moving onto the theme uses. If anything the Betrayal theme was best shown, with Morsi's plot twist. The Loss so Great also was shown, but not at strongly. I'm presuming this one was shown when all of Tallis' things sunk to the ocean after she went to save Morsi, and possibly when Galt had to leave his home with his wife and daughter in the beginning. Finally, Ways other than Violence was a little off for me. I can only truly see that when Morsi tickles the gang (a literal use of the theme), but I think I see it when Galt and his wife leave in the beginning, and possibly in the epilogue when Tallis leaves. I'm a little unsure on when that last is used but I can still say they're all technically there. And now, the overall. This was a short story that did meet up to the rules, but it almost seemed a little lacking. The way the story ends implies that there's more after that (or perhaps this is just backstory to an already published story on SOF, like most of the other short stories), but if not I would've enjoyed more. I would've also enjoyed more interaction between Tallis and Byert, just to hit the point home that Byert is her influence and mentor. If anything the story could've been more fitting to Tallis' dream if she ended up at some kind of little training laboratory or a science dojo or something that fit in with what she dreamt of. The story also could've been more fitting if Tallis and Morsi were older. If there was some age added onto them (they meet at 12, and then the main plot happens when they're 17-20) it could've added a handful of emotional depth, possibly even an element of love and heartbreak between the two characters. Despite all the considered negativity I have to say about this specific story, that doesn't make it a bad story. If anything, you can say it can get better. The story could definitely benefit from a good polish and possibly a peer review or two (including this one). I liked the idea of this being a nice little story about a girl and her life, but it could've improved with just a little more of this and a little more of that. Just some more length in general. Now let's see... if this went off of numeral scores I'd have to say Clear Start gets a 7/10 for the effort, the good ideas, the twist, and the overall feel of the story. Regards, Secret Judge Jack Swagger