Talk:One Piece of Music Film: Star-Crossed Fists/Original Publish/@comment-24676431-20141104190942

Ok, first off. I do like your characters. Their antics and dialouge makes it feel like they're alive as I like characters who are witty. I really enjoy Thoosa's actions and her reactions to anything and I actually like the antagonists. The villains are very unique. Good Job on that. I also like how you wrote about 2 main protagonists and somehow they merged into another as the story goes on.

The issue for me is that suddenly many people showed up at once at the fight, confusing me as they were not mentioned earlier in the cafe. It's like they came out of nowhere. Were they at the cafe already or came when they heard about the commotion?

The fights are vibrant and exciting to read. The attacks and effects they had on each other and the environment. I can just picture it easily. So much going on which is good but at the same, chaotic as I said before, so many characters just appeared out of nowhere.

Now to get nitpicky.

One thing I don't get is Axis and Allied kept saying Gan Fall. Do they know Gan Fall?

Also, why doesn't Ibrahim carry his den den mushi with him wherever he goes? I understand that returning to the ship serves a plotpoint though.A

And, how does Thoosa not know John's name before they got to the Cafe? I figured they would have at least talked on the way there.

And what was the point of El's appearance? I do like him, dont get me wrong but doesn't seem to contribute to the story that much. Sure it reveals something about Ibrahim's past but nothing revelant to the plot.

I do like the twist at the end as everything was resolved without fighting despite of the fact, they were fighting this whole time. It was hilarious of how the soldiers reacted.

Ways Other than Violence A Loss So Great Betrayal

You intergrated these themes well into the story. I read all of it but it's a bit long for the contest but it was written very well. I did not factor in the introduction as I don't believe they should be part of the short story. I like the narration as it sometimes make things more dramatic to the reader like how the narrator was talking about Ibrahim having friends. As I said before, I do like the ending. It was refreshing and the conflict was resolved very well.