Talk:A Cloaked Figure and a Grand Reveal! I'm Going to be the Pirate King!/@comment-27169256-20140917003610

Alrighty! Chapter Two needs a CJ Review!

So our "protagonist" has just cleaned up those thug's "act" and he is met with a mysterious stranger who will offer him a ship. My daddy always told me never to accept gifts from strangers, but who the hell cares! Take the ship damn it!

Finally, we're given a name of our protagonist and he goes by Shiro. Nice name, Shiro means white in japanese and his initial name just happens to be White as well. Beautiful.

Anyway, time to get down to the more technical stuff and what should be brought up. First off, the combat sequence felt incredibly stiff to me. And by stiff, I mean lack of any in depth detail to make me go "Oh my! He's a boss!" it was more "Oh...so he's strong". Ya know what I mean? When doing fight scenes, even if it is a complete stomp you should be more descriptive with them as if you were actually in the scene itself and telling it from your point of view. Use more creative synonms (Go to Thesauras) and increase your vocabulary to ehance your descriptive skills. This is what can really make people look forward to your stories because they'll expect such in depth combat that makes their heart pounds.

Following the note of combat, when using named attacks it's fine to use the japanese translations, but at least put the English translation next to it so that people can picture the attack being said in their minds (or even know what attack is being used lol). Even though I'm sure most of us are used to Japanese subs, I think this would be a good addition.

Finally, this is just a personal note but I'd suggest increasing the length of these chapters. Not that I have a serious issue with short chapters but It's hard for me to really dive right into a well written chapter when I can read it in less the time it takes for me to finish a 20 page manga chapter. You can add more to the story plus flesh out and add more descriptions that could make it flow better, this at least in my experience has helped alot of writers.

That's all for now, again good work and I'm actually interested to see who this mysterious person is.

ONTO THE NEXT ONE