Talk:One Piece of Music Film: Star-Crossed Fists/Original Publish/@comment-4295416-20140930012409

Well, I liked the story. I can see the care and effort put into writing it as well, which is a big plus. I think the setting was IMPORTANT and INTERESTING to the story and its themes, starting from the Rapunzel-like tower to the entire Dukedom in general.

One of the things I enjoyed the most in this story is the descriptive writing. Descriptions were very simple and accurate that you can imagine some of the more complex fighting moves pretty easily. The attention to details was also quite nice, it wasn't TOO detailed but covered enough to enrich the scenes. I also really liked how you still stuck with anime like reactions and expressions, and how you described them in this novel format. I did find some typos and tiny grammatical errors, but these are bound to happen with a story this big (you can only proof read so much, after all) and these typos did not take away from overall clarity of the decriptions. THere were also several nice touches in describing things that keeps the readers attentions and makes for entertainment in what can otherwise be dull moments (Such as what Arid was doing in the background while Central owers was explaining things)

Characters in this story were also good. They were all very enjoyable with their distinct personalities and I enjoyed their interactions a lot. Everyone also had an interesting story going on, I specially liked the Mundi Brothers and what their story turned out being. The story followed both Thoosa and Ibrahim and juggled between them a lot through its course... Something that should have been annoying... But it worked out perfectly. I was interested in both stories enough not to mind having a shift at all, and you managed to juggle between them and make both sies of the stories feel relevant, important, and enjoyable. So that needs to be comended.

The dialouge was good, every character was in personality and everything. Some lines did sound rather forced to me though. However, what makes up for that is the humor. The humor was really nice in this and it came in different forms, I liked most of the funny moments and that added to the enjoyment of the characters themselves.

The flow... Some things just happened too abruptly here. To give examples, the guards deciding to rebel (which, I understand was supposed to be abrupt, still sounded like it didn't fit in the moment and that there wasn't quite enough persuasuion for them to start rebeling NOW) And El appearing. Just in general many things felt like it happened too abruptly. The Prince falls in love with Thoosa, which isn't unbelievable but happened too quickly and before enough development between the two. Other instances were charcters popping out of nowhere, which at times felt a bit random. Another thing that I disliked is that I didn't have enough background about mny of these characters... I understand they have there pages, but I am not going to look them up to prepare for the story, it should have been covered in the story itself. Like what is up with the Prince? Why is Thoosa saving him? What's her motivation? This led to some confusing events, specifically the post destruction of the cafe. There were 7 characters on the scene that I did not know anything about. Did all these powerful dudes happen to be at the cafe at the exact time? Who s fighting who now, are the 6 against Allied? But they are also fighting each others... SO who is on who's side? All of these things left me confused, as I said, and I feel they needed more explanation/background as to why they are here and what are they doing. Going back to the problem of abruptness, even the ending was abrupt. Everybody just took up and left basically... However much the guards were revolting, these guys caused a lot of chaos here and now they are just letting them go?

I must comment on the fighting. I like it, it was interesting seeing everybody's powers and different techniques. I was also surprised by how power Allied turn out being after his physical description and demeanor. So fighting here was pleasant. THough I would have liked, again, to get a bit of an explanation on their powers.

I find we must address the themes since this is a contest, after all. The themes were good, though I am not sure how some of the themes factor in. Like the "Loss so great" theme... Nothing liked that really clicked with me to the point where I would call it a theme of the story. Same thing with betrayal... You can say that the Good Duke is betraying the people... He did betrayed the brothers... But I am still not sure if any of that was major enough to be a theme of the story. I did like how Allied, Axis, and Powers were named. At first I thought they were going to draw real life paralles, but I think at the end they became more of a representation of violence/war itself and how messed up politics can get. I found that really interesting and worth thinking about. Though I would have liked to have seen more of Allied and Axis, rather than just the end, because they felt like such a big part of the story's theme.

Since this is still a OP based story, I think we need to see how OPish it is *nerd* And I think it's OPish at times, and at times it is not, namely in the romance aspect. That, however, doesn't mean it's a negative since this is still your story and can get as original as you want. But it is worth noting.

Finally, good job, Power. I liked the story and this was an entry strong enough to be a contest winner indeed. *thumbs up*