Talk:Grand Voyage the Movie: Episode of D'Artagnan Plus - The Definition of Freedom and the Choice of a Lifetime/Story/@comment-5008281-20141101053658

My turn! Spoilers ahead!

Alright, so lets break it down into segments, for easy reading purposes.

The Great!

Your descriptions were well done. They were easy to read, and easy to follow, which led to smooth action sequences when there was a fight or a confrontation of any sort. This pretty much made it very easy for me to imagine what was going on. Though there were some scenes where the setting/environment were not really very clear, I'm not much of a stickler for that, because I am able to imagine up anything I really want to and it doesn't affect the scene as it is.

The Good!

The kinmanship between our two focus characters seemed very natural. It starts off rather rocky but as we go one we start to see them gain a sort of trust, and then start to bond as time goes on. It's a good start for them to become crewmates in the end.

The Not so Good

One problem I saw in this story was there were many transitions that were too flashy. In fact one or more of the transitions actually switched scenes while they were still in the same scene, and I couldn't tell if it was a flashback or just another part of the scene as it was happening chronologically. As this went on, it seemed the progression got too choppy.

The Bad

One of the biggest problems I saw was that there were only two out of all of the whole crew that were the focal points. Knave and Art were pretty much the spotlight characters and we saw very little of any other character. As a writer with a lot of characters myself, I can understand how hard it is to fit everyone into one story without seeming like it's a whole cluster. Still, not even the villain seemed all that fleshed out, and thus the story suffers because we don't really see him as anykind of a threat, neither Don nor Baron seem all that imposing.

Overall, not a bad story at all. It was easy to read, I loved your characters and how you went back and made a movie out of the origins of one of your more prominent characters. I would go back and fix a few of your grammar and spelling errors, and work on making the narrative flow a little better. The description flowed, and the action flowed, now you need to make the dialog work with them, and I believe you can make your stories stronger and stronger.

That's all for now, good luck in the contest! :D