Talk:One Adventure - Chapter 2/@comment-4080028-20140914030652

Ehh... To be completely honest, this chapter just confused me here, there and everywhere, not to mention the pace felt way too quick again and everything felt like it was forced in to speed up the story and get to the good stuff. Not exactly something I enjoy seeing.

For instance, some of the terminology you used had me totally baffled. Like when Hiro "spun" Butch's arm. I couldn't tell what was going on at all. Was the arm twisted around but held in place? Was the arm pushed upward? Or did Hiro swing Butch's arm horizontally? Judging from what happened afterward, I'm guessing he managed to throw Butch upward into the air while still being held on to. Took me at least 4 or 5 tries to figure that one out. Didn't help any that the mentioning of cartwheels and axe kicks made the choreography of the scene look messy and confusing in my mind. >_< So much so, that I couldn't even appreciate a good nut-shot. o_0 (...If groins count as hitting a guy down there, that is. <_<;)

Afterward, everything was just way too fast for me to comprehend. One minute, Hiro gets stabbed, and in another minute, he's recovering and wailing on the three again. Another thing that tripped me up is trying to figure out what "kick-flipped" means. I honestly can't tell if he jumped backward, did a backward flip through the air, or what.

I believe what's necessary here is to be more descriptive, and to choose when to be descriptive and when to leave things be, which is not an easy thing to learn right away. I've had at least 10+ years of trial and error under my belt, in learning just how much explanation a writer should use for particular scenes. You may also want to rely more on words people will recognize right away, like "twist," "push," "toss," "leap" and so on, to name a few words that I thought could've been helpful in the fight.

Despite the criticism though, it's not all bad. I can clearly tell you were doing your best here. I give you an A+ for effort, ESPECIALLY since you're trying to write a coherent, enjoyable story in your current condition; while at a hospital no less. So it's clear as day that you made an earnest, honest attempt in these past two chapters.

I'm not going to dismiss this as "half-assed" or "you weren't even trying," as I already made it clear above that you're making a real solid go here. However, as your friend, I feel I should also be honest and say I didn't really enjoy this chapter either. I felt the first chapter, as rushed and short as I felt it was, was a better chapter than this one. In fact, I found myself getting easily distracted from reading at least twice. So nothing personal here, but I didn't really like this chapter that much.

I'm hoping these past two chapters won't put you down, but rather lift you higher, so you can do better than you've done here, and make the great stories and chapters I know you can accomplish. It's best not to focus on the negative feedback, but to look between the lines and see that there's encouragement to try harder and do better. Because I've seen you RP in the chat. I know you have true potential to write a great story if you give it some time, patience and perseverance. :)

Good luck, buddy. I know you can do it.