Talk:Walk the Dragon/@comment-24676431-20141108024424

Hmmmm.

Families that are not blood related 

Immortality

The military machine

A Loss so great

I admit that you touched all of these themes in the story but the military machine is not realy used that much as it only has a presence but as for the other themes especially "A loss so great", well done!

Now I'll start with the stick as in what I don't like about it. Ahem.

You really need to work on your grammar. I don't mind a few typos here and there but there are many spelling mistakes, commas, and grammar structures that need to be fixed. However, that did not prevent me from understanding the plot.

Then there's the two plotholes.

For example, Yoza stated that since Noodle had the helmet on during the time the world noble walked up to Yoza and tried to kill her, his face would not be recognized and he can escape from the world noble and the Marines. However, that's not true as Yoza was carrying the helmet the whole time as she intends to keep it until she was feed. Noodle only put the helmet after the Seven Flags appeared.

Then there's the Pacfista. Despite already scanning Yoza and Noodle (with his helmet on) and determining that "No bounty applied order to kill on site," It still charges up to try to kill them. I don't see a reason of how this is possible if it only targets those with bounties. If it was targeting them as they were ordered to, it would make sense and would help if they say, "Yoza, Target found. Eliminate."

Now for the carrot.

I really like this story. It's an odd twist not reading about a pirate in this competition so far. But that's not going to give you an advantage but it's refreshing to see something different. I really like the flow of this story. I really thought the plot was going to lead us to Noodle meeting the Seven Flags somewhere after doing some investigating and traveling with some patience and hard efforts but then, Yoza and the world noble came up. So i thought that plotpoint is out of the bag but he gets to sorta meet them anyway! What a surprise! And the ending! It's dark but appropriate for this story.

As for the characters, I like reading Noodle's thought and his inner struggle. It tells me what kind of person he is and gives us a background on people he knows. As for Yoza, I like her. She has her strengths but surprisingly, we saw her delicate side. For the both of them, I felt the raw emotions that dwells within them and their desire to escape for survival. Such emotion! The villains...I hate them but they are great villains. A noble who cares about nothing except for his own greed. His bodyguard deserves his role as the Dragon, a person who does the dirty business and gives off an intimidating aura despite that he's a monk!

The seven flags.....I like them but I wish we know more about them. We know about the lizard giant and the sniper girl but not much info except that they're dangerous. The fight between Kizaru and Borgus was interesting to read about. I don't know how they were escaping despite that Kizaru was there. I wish there's a more believable scenario or an explanation of how they managed to get away from the Marines while an Admiral was there.

So, in short, the grammar definitely needs work but! This story is very interesting. Good Job.