Talk:Walk the Dragon/@comment-5008281-20141104121204

Alright, so it's time for another Good thing and Bad thing, with your host, SPOILERS!

The Great: A HUGE improvement in your writing all around. Despite the grammatical errors, I was able to follow your story along quite well. Though, as I said with FMF, I am not a fan of First Person perspective, but it has its own merits, and it didn't distract in this story. You did make some very good characters, and even though this is a oneshot, I was hoping you would keep them around, but apparently that's not happening, hehe.

The Good: I really liked Yoza, her interaction with your character was a good foil, and gave him an extra dimension that we wouldn't have seen otherwise. She rounds out the story quite well.

The Not So Good: One thing that has stuck out through out the story is that you really seemed like you wanted there to be more complications than there already was, but just couldn't build up the energy to flesh it out. I know I put a word cap on this contest but really I'm sure you could have gone off on at least one or two tangeants without drawing too much attention away.

The Bad: The dialogue along with the grammar need some work. I'm not sure if you are really imagining what these would sound like in real life, but if you said some of these lines outloud you would know what I'm talking about. There needs to be some sort of realism when it comes to how we communicate and I had some trouble hearing these lines in my head.

There was that, then there was the World Noble and the ending. It seemed like he was just a story ender to begin with, especially with how he effected the story overall. Instead of being someone that they actually had a chance against, you kind of added him in order to bring an abrupt end to the story, and quite honestly that just seems a little cheap. He stopped what could have been a continuing storyline, and thus robbed you and your readers of an over arcing story.

You put forth a really good effort, as I said before, this is much better writing, and that shows that you are improving. Keep this up and lets see some more!