Talk:A Shady Deal with a Cloaked Figure! Do You Really Want a Ship that Bad?/@comment-27169256-20140917033121

REVIEW TIME, ONCE AGAIN!?

So, in this chapter White meets the hooded figure and is led to a cave and is subsequently captured and given the choice of either helping them defeat pirates, or being kept as a pirate slave. Hmm, now this is getting interesting to say the least. I applaud this chapter as it gives us more to White's personality (loved that little comedic moment where he stroke a pose lol).

Now, let's jump into the review

When the cloaked figure was speaking to White, I had gotten the impression that he/she was a person who was calm and collected judging by their less than enthusiastic responses. So, when they gave that little angry "outburst" at the question of why he/she disliked pirates, it felt out of place to me. There should have been a build up to that little outburst, perhaps dropping several hints of the Pirate's distaste for pirates by having him make a "Tsk" sound when he heard he was a pirate, or even change the tone and choice of words towards White. With the way you have it now, it just seems a bit forced there. You might wanna go over that.

"Wanamo takes off his coat" Like I brought up before, you used another present tense which should have been "Wanamo took off his coat".

These switches of tenses can easily disrupt the flow of the chapter when someone's reading as to someone like me who's read millions of fan fic, I can always immediately tell when someone changes the tenses on instinct. So please try to remember to keep your tenses consistent, and an easy way to do this is simply going over each your script a couple times and making sure none of your adjective, nouns, and verbs end with present tenses "Like says, or trys".

Last but not least, I'm still feeling a bit lack luster about this chapters due to the lack of description on any of the characters and what they're feeling. All that's being told here is what happens to the scene, that's one dimensional. In order to create more dimensions, you have to add "How does Character A react to this specific scene" and how does "Character B respond to A's respond". In this case, Character A is White and B is the cloaked figure.

Final tip, because you haven't published any character pages yet, I have absolutely no idea what White looks like so it's incredibly hard for me to imagine him in my head. So if you plan on doing something about that, I'd very much appreciate a description of his appearance anywhere in the story.

That's it for Chapter 3's review and I have to say that this wasn't too bad. Keep em up!

ONTO THE NEXT ONE!